update

brief. started at a new gym today, felt good. had a heart to crying heart with eric. felt, weird. starting to reclaim my life, soon as i wake up. change is coming... stay tuned.

why focus on my deadbeat sperm donor father on my birthday?!?!?

just plain bullshit is what it is! put on my favorite itunes playlist, play some solitaire, nice quiet birthday right? HAHAHAHAH!! maris asked me a while back to buY her father of mine by everclear, (real nice that a 12 year old asked for that particular song, but he's a different story) and realized im still conflicted about my own father. WHAT A JERK!!! HE COULD NEVER HAVE BROKEN MY HEART MORE EFFICIENTLY THAN HE DID!! WTF IS SO HARD ABOUT BEING PART OF YOUR KIDS LIFE?? APPARENTLY PUTTING DOWN THE ALCOHOL LONG ENOUGH TO FUCKIN FOCUS ON THE ONLY FUCKIN THING YOU EVER CREATED ON THIS EARTH!! and! im sick of hearing from his old friends on fb saying o he was such a great guy, blah blah blah! great fuckin guy??? GREAT FUCKIN GUY??? there was a fathers day when i was in the 6-9 range, i made him something in school, and me and ma were at cheryles house, it was relatively warm for june, he promised he would come by to get my little present, whatever it was, and we all sat outside, ma and cheryle on their lounge chairs, me n jen running around, being goofballs, we sat out there all night, and what a surprise, he never showed, never called, and i wasnt surprised, even then. my ma didnt even stop him after that, he showed up again when i was 9 10 or 11 on his bike and we went up to kellys landing to hang out, and of course his "water bottle" was actually filled with alcohol. SHOCKER!! he liked to show off his diving skills by climbing to the top of the posts at the dock and just goin all out. thats still the best day i remember with him, (although he used that same skill to abandon me for good. ) i cant believe im crying over him right now. or OR, HOW ABOUT THE NIGHT HE WAS TAKING ME TO GERRY'S FOR THE FIRST TIME, WE STOPPED AT ANDREW SQUARE PIZZA, HE SAID, WAIT HERE FOR THE PIZZA, IM GONNA RUN ACROSS THE STREET TO THE STORE, BE RIGHT BACK. FUCKIN NOT!! I WAS MAYBE 10, AND HE FUCKIN LEFT ME THERE, ALONE, IN A SNOW STORM, AT NIGHT. WALKIN HOME FROM ANDREW WOULD HAVE BEEN NO BIG DEAL, EXCEPT MY MOM WAS AT UNCLE PATS ON BAY ST NEXT TO SAVIN FUCKIN HILL STATION!!! I HAD TO WALK THERE, AT 9 PM IN A STORM BY MYSELF, BARELY KNOWING HOW TO GET THERE!!! WTF DUDE?? and you would think thats the worst of it right? umm, nope. my mother knew how bad i wanted him to be there, (looking back, she was just trying to make me happy, but probably should have told him to screw) the next time i was to sleep over, i got to gerrys house, to find out from the fat creepy guy who answered the door, that they had moved. jesus fuckin christ!! THEN, there was the night i stayed over gerrys new place and she had to throw him out cuz he was pissy drunk. so i had to instead listen to him banging on the door begging to be let in, for sooooooooooo long. but she wasnt having it. thinkin on it now, i wonder whatever happened to her and the kids....
and arent dads supposed to be the ones who pull the bf of their little girl aside and give the "if you break her heart i'll break your neck" speech??? yeah, thatd have been great. except uncle paul had to do it, after my fathers wake. (jesus i miss him too!!)
SOOOO
can you tell me why im crying over the FUCKIN DISAPPOINTMENT ON MY FUCKIN BIRTHDAY???? THE MAN (IF YOU WANNA CALL HIM THAT) WHO DID A SWAN DIVE OFF HIS PORCH OR SOME SHIT LEAVING HIS ONLY CHILD WITHOUT A FATHER.
TIME TO REFOCUS... THIS SHIT IS ABOUT ME TODAY, NOT HIM...

who knows, this may go strange places

so, here we go again. but before that. im not very articulate when im angry, so be warned. and my thoughts tend to come out like a heroin junkies.

this fuck just takes and takes and takes. no matter how far im willing to go, he just fuckin wants me to do more for him. what the fuck do i get out of this? happy daughters? not usually. what the fuck does he care though? and if no one on my end is winning, why do i bother to keep being the nice one? i know why, CUZ IM A FUCKIN IDIOT! thats why. i am just naturally inclined to be the fuckin nice one. (cantcha tell?) always, no matter who it is, or what the problem is, im the nice one. and i have stuck my neck out far enuff so many times that i jeopardize my fuckin relationship. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DO I DO FOR EVERYONE ELSE AND LEAVE MYSELF IN THE LURCH????? i just dont get it. therefor , i cant fix it. will i ever? probably not. so now what?

now, i'll just vent, ramble, bitch, whatever i fuckin want!! thats what.
i grew 2 people for this asshole. but things just weren't workin. thats what happens when you get involved at 15 and now you're 20 with 2 kids. (whatever, i have the best man in the world now because of it. and i wouldnt trade him for anything.) so he gets with this cunt, yes she is, a dirty dumpster cunt to be exact, and his responsibility to his daughters goes out the fuckin window once he has son(s). how fuckin fair is that? he constantly drags me into court, (no less that once a year, or every other) to fight me for rights that he never ever had to fight for!!! if he wanted to see them every single fuckin day he could!! even when we lived up the fuckin street from him, he never came to see them!!! 8 whole months went by and he never even called!! not once!!! when we were in court while i was pregnant with the boy, i straight out told him he didnt have to do this. his response, yes i do. it was her. she wanted him to fight me for joint custody of my fuckin children!!! then she stormed out of the court house after a short exchange of words between themselves. whatever, cunt. but it didnt matter anyway, because after an hour with the magistrate, and hearin what an a+ father he was, the magistrate literally, and with no bullshit on this one, laughed in his face and granted him visitation. which he uses when he isnt busy with that cunt. theres always some excuse. twice he has used the excuse that he needed to help his mother move, fine, no big. but i have since spoken to her. AND SHE HAS NEVER MOVED!!! or one of the kids are sick, or she wont let him use the car, or some other bullshit. (and when she had the balls to call my boyfriend while he was workin, she said she would never keep the car from him when he should be with his kids, lying douche). why the fuck do they have 2 cars if he cant use one to see his kids? here i go off track, jeez. o yea, the excuses. how can you just not see your kids, or talk to them, for months at a time? he has called them in between visits (and im goin to be generous here, as usual) MAYBE 3 times in their lives. maris is almost 11 mind you. shit, he didnt even take taya out for the first time til she was almost or already 2!!! even after the dna test results. (i didnt feel bad about that tho, requesting dna, we had broken up and i hid the pregnancy til 8 months).

sighhhhhhhhh

so a couple of months ago he called me and stated simply that we were no longer allowed to have any form of contact with each other per her orders. not in person, not on the phone, nothing. unless it is a severe emergency. WTF? she is under the assumption i want him back. first of all, FUCKIN NO (said with utter disgust, i gave him to her to begin with. i have a real man, dead beats need not apply). and wheres her self esteem if she doesnt have enough confidence in herself that he needs to run back to me? because we were friends? please! you sad ass bitch. but whatever. i went along with it. i do not call him, i do not speak to or see him, unless its out my window when he drops the kids off once in a blue moon.

THEN he tells me today he cant come here anymore to pick up/drop off his kids. because jr will snitch him out to the cunt face. what the fuck do i care???????? how much further out of my way does he think i am goin to go? especailly when its for that piece of shit waste of space no kind of real woman dumpster cunt? really loser?? really???

im just sayin. keep testing me. soon it'll be me dragging him into court to send him his walkin papers. but alas, i couldnt do it. it wouldnt be fair to any of the children involved.
like i said before BECAUSE IM A FUCKIN IDIOT.

I LOVE YOU KRISSY. THANKS FOR TAKIN THE TIME TO LISTEN TO ME SCREAM.