why focus on my deadbeat sperm donor father on my birthday?!?!?

just plain bullshit is what it is! put on my favorite itunes playlist, play some solitaire, nice quiet birthday right? HAHAHAHAH!! maris asked me a while back to buY her father of mine by everclear, (real nice that a 12 year old asked for that particular song, but he's a different story) and realized im still conflicted about my own father. WHAT A JERK!!! HE COULD NEVER HAVE BROKEN MY HEART MORE EFFICIENTLY THAN HE DID!! WTF IS SO HARD ABOUT BEING PART OF YOUR KIDS LIFE?? APPARENTLY PUTTING DOWN THE ALCOHOL LONG ENOUGH TO FUCKIN FOCUS ON THE ONLY FUCKIN THING YOU EVER CREATED ON THIS EARTH!! and! im sick of hearing from his old friends on fb saying o he was such a great guy, blah blah blah! great fuckin guy??? GREAT FUCKIN GUY??? there was a fathers day when i was in the 6-9 range, i made him something in school, and me and ma were at cheryles house, it was relatively warm for june, he promised he would come by to get my little present, whatever it was, and we all sat outside, ma and cheryle on their lounge chairs, me n jen running around, being goofballs, we sat out there all night, and what a surprise, he never showed, never called, and i wasnt surprised, even then. my ma didnt even stop him after that, he showed up again when i was 9 10 or 11 on his bike and we went up to kellys landing to hang out, and of course his "water bottle" was actually filled with alcohol. SHOCKER!! he liked to show off his diving skills by climbing to the top of the posts at the dock and just goin all out. thats still the best day i remember with him, (although he used that same skill to abandon me for good. ) i cant believe im crying over him right now. or OR, HOW ABOUT THE NIGHT HE WAS TAKING ME TO GERRY'S FOR THE FIRST TIME, WE STOPPED AT ANDREW SQUARE PIZZA, HE SAID, WAIT HERE FOR THE PIZZA, IM GONNA RUN ACROSS THE STREET TO THE STORE, BE RIGHT BACK. FUCKIN NOT!! I WAS MAYBE 10, AND HE FUCKIN LEFT ME THERE, ALONE, IN A SNOW STORM, AT NIGHT. WALKIN HOME FROM ANDREW WOULD HAVE BEEN NO BIG DEAL, EXCEPT MY MOM WAS AT UNCLE PATS ON BAY ST NEXT TO SAVIN FUCKIN HILL STATION!!! I HAD TO WALK THERE, AT 9 PM IN A STORM BY MYSELF, BARELY KNOWING HOW TO GET THERE!!! WTF DUDE?? and you would think thats the worst of it right? umm, nope. my mother knew how bad i wanted him to be there, (looking back, she was just trying to make me happy, but probably should have told him to screw) the next time i was to sleep over, i got to gerrys house, to find out from the fat creepy guy who answered the door, that they had moved. jesus fuckin christ!! THEN, there was the night i stayed over gerrys new place and she had to throw him out cuz he was pissy drunk. so i had to instead listen to him banging on the door begging to be let in, for sooooooooooo long. but she wasnt having it. thinkin on it now, i wonder whatever happened to her and the kids....
and arent dads supposed to be the ones who pull the bf of their little girl aside and give the "if you break her heart i'll break your neck" speech??? yeah, thatd have been great. except uncle paul had to do it, after my fathers wake. (jesus i miss him too!!)
SOOOO
can you tell me why im crying over the FUCKIN DISAPPOINTMENT ON MY FUCKIN BIRTHDAY???? THE MAN (IF YOU WANNA CALL HIM THAT) WHO DID A SWAN DIVE OFF HIS PORCH OR SOME SHIT LEAVING HIS ONLY CHILD WITHOUT A FATHER.
TIME TO REFOCUS... THIS SHIT IS ABOUT ME TODAY, NOT HIM...